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Wednesday, August 17, 2011


Steve Cole muses: Just thinking to himself about his recent appearances on yet to be seen reality shows:

1. Survivor: Ok, people, listen to me for a minute. I'm declaring myself the leader, which means you'll vote me out the first time we lose a challenge. That's no biggie, since I don't want to win; I want the month-long vacation at a resort where they keep me incommunicado and I can work on my new book. What we do need to do is get organized, get a shelter built (guess what? I'm an engineer. Get it?), a toilet set up, and the food supply. Unlike you lame brains, I actually read a few survival books so I know that half of the stuff around here is edible. I also spent an hour a day learning how to make a fire. So here's what we're going to do first...

2. Top Shot: Ok, Ok, I get it. You're going to send me to the stagecoach elimination shoot-off. I'm sorry. I know I'm fat, but if you guys could move a 220-pound log to that last shooting station, the bunch of you could have boosted my fat ass up there, so it's really your own bloody fault that I never got to shoot!

3. Tabatha's Salon Takeover: The reason you never saw anyone get their hair done in eight hours of spy camera footage is that we aren't really a hair salon. We just wanted to get your advice on how to better run our publishing business. I mean, shucks, business is business, right?

4. Hell's Kitchen: Chef Ramsay, my signature dish is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. No, I did not make the jelly from scratch. How quaint that you would think I could do that.

5. Deadliest Warrior: Yes, I am the expert on Gideon Pillow, the worst Confederate general. I'm going to make sure he wins. Who is he fighting? John C. Freemont? No problem, I can make Gideon win. Got this one in the bag. Say, what's Petrick doing here? He's on the other team!?! Uh-oh.

6. Ice Road Truckers: No, I don't actually know how to drive a truck, I just wanted to meet that Lisa chick before I got thrown off of the show.

7. Deadliest Catch: Captain Sig, I presume? Can you have a steward take my bags to my suite while I dash off to get another case of Diet Doctor Pepper at WalMart?

8. Whale Wars: Yeah, my luggage IS full of canned meat. You didn't actually think I was going to eat that veggie crap you serve the rest of these Eco Fruit Loops -- did you? Watch it! That long suitcase might go off if you bump it too hard.

9. American Chopper: Ok, look, I completed the build of a tank-inspired motorcycle, but there is no way I'm actually going to ride one of those things.

10. Cowboy U: I told you before, and I'll tell you again: I ain't gonna ride no bull. Those things are mean, and they have horns, and I've been head-butted by a bull before and it's not going to happen again. "Cowboy up" my ass.

11. Axe Men: Yeah, I used C4 explosives to knock down that tree. So what? The rules didn't say I HAD to use a frakking chainsaw, now did they? What did I do with the leftover explosives? Oh, I thought you knew. I tied the satchel to that last log that went up the hill. Why is everyone running?

12. The Colony: Listen to me, guys, we need to secure the building FIRST and worry about these stupid projects LATER. That gate over there won't stop a cranky cub scout, let alone a bunch of bandits. That door over there has no lock on it; we need to barricade it shut. That staircase leads straight to an open and unguarded window. Get it now? Thank you! Ok, I have a list here of what security tasks must be done on the first day and who I have assigned to them. What am I going to be doing? I am going to be making spears, knives, bows, and arrows, THAT is what I am going to be doing!

13. The Bachelorette: Oh, hi. I guess you're the girl on the show? Nice to meet you. Listen, I'm already married so you can rose me out first. Why am I here? I heard that the caterer was really good and I needed another out of communication vacation to finish Klingon Invasion.

14. Design Star: I painted everything in digital camo. So?

15. What Not to Wear: Yes, everything I bought after all of your lessons was identical to the stuff you threw away on the first day. Your design advice is crap and I just wanted new versions of the worn-out stuff I already had. Thanks!

16. Expedition Impossible: You're kidding? Climb that? I'm dropping out of the competition. I know that these shows always hold the eliminated contestants incommunicado until the show is over, and I need the time to work on Traveller Prime Directive. That's why Jean Sexton and Mike West are my team partners. Can you send for the helicopter now? We need to get busy.

17. Project Runway: I cut the cloth across the bias so that it would drape properly over the model. By the way, Tim, what does bias mean?

18. The Apprentice: Show me in the rulebook where it says I cannot eliminate members of the other team with a Barrett 50 sniper rifle.

19. Dancing with the Stars: I just wanted to meet Sarah Palin. I thought she was on this show?

20. Last Comic Standing: And the next stupid thing I did that blew five grand on a plan that should have worked was...