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Sunday, August 14, 2011


Steve Petrick muses: Just thinking to himself about his recent appearances on yet to be aired reality shows:
1. Survivor: Of course I wiped out the other tribe. That way there were more resources for my tribe so that we have more time to figure out how to get out of here. Why are you looking at me like that?
2. Top Shot: Show me in the rules where it says I could not use the first gun to take care of the members of the opposing team. Show me in the rules where it says I cannot keep the gun to convince the members of my own team not to vote against me. Show me.
3. Tabatha's Salon Takeover: Get out of my office!
4. Hell's Kitchen: Onions? Peppers? Mushrooms? Where's my headlopper!!!
5. Deadliest Warrior: Fremont versus Gideon Pillow? Uhmm . . . are there other choices?
6. Ice Road Truckers: What do you mean I cannot shoot at the other trucks?
7. Deadliest Catch: What do you mean "you have been shanghaied?"
8. Whale Wars: I know you eco fanatics. Once you save the whales, you'll be coming for my hamburgers. This stops now! Aiiieeee!!!!
9. American Chopper: I know how to ride a basic street bike, but can I fit it with forward and rear firing rocket launchers? Purely for self-defense you understand.
10. Cowboy U: I thought there was going to be a quickdraw competition and that we would get to ride "shotgun" on the stagecoach and shoot at bandits?
11. Axe Men: Okay. So the daisycutter was not the best idea, but if you had already had the road made to the site it would be easier to get the logs . . . er okay, so all that is left is firewood, but you can still make some money off that, right?
12. The Colony: I am going scouting for a few days. To, among other things, see if anyone is in the neighborhood that I do not think we can be friends with, and see about convincing them to move on . . . one way or another.
13. The Bachelorette: If you are shallow enough to think you can find someone on a show like this after all the fiascoes the previous shows have produced I pretty much do not want anything to do with you anyway. So give me the bloody rose and I will go get caught up on my reading.
14. Design Stars: Of course every room has a gun rack. Why would it not?
15. What Not to Wear: I prefer basic colors and I really do not care what you think.
16. Expedition Impossible: Why couldn't I sabotage the other team's gear? There is nothing in the rules that says I can't.
17. Project Runway: But body armor and concealed weapons go with evening wear!
18. The Apprentice: As the briefcase bomb at the first meeting also took out Mr. Trump, I assume that means I cannot be fired. As I am the only healthy survivor (having fortuitously excused myself to the men's room before the explosion), I guess that means I have won.
19. Dancing with the Stars: I thought this was about studying the motions of the stars in the sky. What a disappointment.
20. Last Comic Standing: And the next reality show they tried to put me in was . . .