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Friday, April 18, 2014

Ten Things the Klingons Won't Tell You

1. We're scared most of the time. 
Oh, we manage our fear and we perform despite it, but we are afraid of a lot of things, mostly being destroyed by enemies on multiple sides. The Klingon Empire is small and has no room to expand, and those Kzintis want to eat us! You think we got kicked out of the Hydran Kingdom but we think that the Hydrans stole five of our provinces! And remember that the Federation stole about 10% of our Empire with that "border treaty" that you wrote and we never signed. We live in constant fear of someone biting off another chunk of our territory.

2. Our civilians hate us. 
They know that tons of money is spent on the military and they realize that soldiers hardly live like kings, but they also know that if we'd just sell the whole Empire to the Federation that the Empire's civilians would have a higher standard of living and we could still be soldiers flying starships. We really don't want to be Feds, even if our civilians do. That's why they hate us.
3. We really don't like drones all that much. 
They're kind of a necessary evil, since the ships don't generate as much power as more weapons would need. We mostly use drones to kill some of those Kzinti drones (and they're a wash against Fed drones). The problem with drones is that you have to launch them from short range in front of the enemy, and that's exactly where a photon-armed ship wants us to be!
4. We actually understand accounting. 
Ok, it's loads of fun to watch a Klingon emperor throw an accounting PADD over his shoulder in disgust and we're actually kind of happy about you thinking that happens. But really, our military officers have university degrees, and that includes several classes in accounting. Fuel costs money, as do repairs, spare parts, and ammunition, and any officer who doesn't understand how money works isn't going to have much of a career.
5. We are not alcoholics. 
We like it when you guys think we're drunk all the time, as you don't take us seriously while we maneuver for the kill. Your trivideo guys are always showing Klingons drinking until we fall down. Ok, we do that now and then, on special occasions, when there's no enemy in range and guards are posted. Your Star Fleet officers do the same thing and make sure you never know.
6. We don't fight duels very often. 
Klingon sports are rough and often involve a small amount of bloodshed. Your military officers are always playing racquetball and volleyball and soccer, and our officers play our own sports. Our rough-and-tumble sports often look like vicious battles to non-Klingons, and that's often misinterpreted.
7. Nobody wants to be assigned to an SFG ship. 
That's what's called a suicide mission. Ok, we have this really cool weapon that freezes your ships, but to use it, we have to come to a complete stop (in front of ships with photons!) and then after we freeze you we cannot do anything to you.
8. Maulers aren't for what you think they are for. 
Ok, sure, the mauler is a really big cannon, but the point of the ships is those huge batteries. These are great for bashing our way through minefields and winning tractor auctions.
9. We wish fighters and PFs had never been invented. 
The casualty rates are astronomical and we need a lot more officers for those things than for starships. Our enlisted men laugh as the officers fly off to die in the wild black yonder.
10. We don't hate you Feds; we fear your money. 
We really have no grudge against you guys, well, other than that territory you stole. We hate the Tholians and fear the Kzintis and don't like Hydrans. We're mostly afraid that with your economy you'll just buy us in a hostile takeover.