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Saturday, July 23, 2016

Foodie and Grumpy Season Two (c) 2016 ADB Inc.

EPISODE #1 (Part 1)

F: This season, we're going to focus on "Bachelor Cooking," that is to say, men who live alone -- or who temporarily find themselves alone -- and have to cook for themselves. We have built a typical bachelor apartment kitchen here in our studio, and my partner Grumpy will play the role of someone decades younger and not yet married.

G: Instead of my constantly talking about my allergies, we'll just assume that anyone with food allergies will simply leave out any ingredients we mention which are toxic to them. Some of what you will see here comes from my pre-marriage experience and from times when my wife skipped supper and I had to fend for myself.

F: Our goal is to show you men that cooking is not that hard, not that scary, and that you can prepare delicious and healthy meals for yourselves without calling your mother for instructions.

G: There are three things that cause us men to simplify whatever cooking we do: we don't know how to cook, we don't want to clean up the mess, and we don't plan ahead what we might want to cook so we don't have the ingredients for anything not in one can. All of that combines to reduce bachelor cooking to opening a can of ravioli, dumping it into a paper bowl, microwaving it, and eating it with a plastic spoon. After that, we throw away the bowl, the can, and the spoon.

F: I've been to your place when your wife was out of town and you were three days behind throwing away the cans and dishes. That's where I got the idea for this whole season.

G: Look, it works, okay, we don't exactly starve. We eat our main meal at lunchtime in a restaurant.

F: You mean in a fast-food joint where the three food groups are grease, salt, and carbs. That's okay some of the time, but what you fix at home needs to fill out the rest of what your body needs, like fruits and vegetables.

G: What are those?

F: I know you're joking, but seriously, looking at what you eat, I could almost believe you don't know what they are. And you never season anything.

G. I have a salt shaker next to my recliner.

F: Fine. Let's start with a review of the typical bachelor pantry, including the refrigerator. In this case, it's easy because you dug out the cans from the pantry shelves and put them on the cabinet for me.

G: Actually, I just put the cans on the cabinet when I bring them home from the store and use the pantry to store my hobby stuff. I throw the cans away as I use them.

F: Your life will be so much better if you just put stuff up. Anyway, let's look at what you have. I see, we have... ravioli, spaghetti, pork & beans, Vienna sausages, and chicken noodle soup. You also have Styrofoam cups of ramen noodles, mac & cheese, and corn flakes. You have half a loaf of bread that is stale but at least it's not moldy, a bag of chips held closed with a ballpoint pen, and a store-bought brownie that is a week past its sell-by date. I see no cans of vegetables.

G: Pork & beans are vegetables!

F: No, they're carbs. Vegetables are green beans, corn, carrots, and things like that.

G: Oh, wait, I have a can of black-eyed peas under the sink that I save for New Year's Day.

F: Those aren't vegetables. I'm not really sure what they are, but they aren't even food.

G: Somebody's prejudice is showing!