YOUR CAPTAIN JUST MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

• your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
• he paints flames and an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
• you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob."
• he refers to Klingons as "Critters."
• he refers to Romulans as "Yankees."
• he refers to photon torpedoes as "popguns."
• he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.
• he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
• he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies."
• he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
• he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle, along with his tricorder and his pocket knife.
• he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
• he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage."
• he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
• he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba."
• he sets the forward viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster."
• he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
• he paints the starship John Deere green.
• he stocks catfish in the ship's pool.
• he spends every Tuesday evening in the ship's bowling alley.
• he refers to a pulsar as a "Blue Light Special."
• he refers to the Mubarsa Nebula as a "swamp."
• his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
• the spare seat on the bridge has his cowboy hat in it, and no one, absolutely no one, would dream of sitting on it by accident.
• he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen."
• his idea of a dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.
• he wears mirrored shades on the bridge.
• his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba.
• he sets the phasers to "Cajun."

Thanks to John Hilgers. This originally appeared in Captain's Log #18. (c) copyright by Amarillo Design Bureau, Inc.