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Friday, January 02, 2015


  • your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
  • he paints flames and an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
  • you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob."
  • he refers to Klingons as "Critters."
  • he refers to Romulans as "Yankees."
  • he refers to photon torpedoes as "popguns."
  • he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.
  • he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
  • he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies."
  • he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
  • he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle, along with his tricorder and his pocket knife.
  • he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
  • he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage."
  • he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
  • he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba."
  • he sets the forward viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster."
  • he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
  • he paints the starship John Deere green.
  • he stocks catfish in the ship's pool.
  • he spends every Tuesday evening in the ship's bowling alley.
  • he refers to a pulsar as a "Blue Light Special."
  • he refers to the Mubarsa Nebula as a "swamp."
  • his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
  • the spare seat on the bridge has his cowboy hat in it, and no one, absolutely no one, would dream of sitting on it by accident.
  • he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen."
  • his idea of a dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.
  • he wears mirrored shades on the bridge.
  • his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba.
  • he sets the phasers to "Cajun."

Thanks to John Hilgers. This originally appeared in Captain's Log #18. (c) copyright by Amarillo Design Bureau, Inc.