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Thursday, September 17, 2009

THIRTY-TWO YEARS AND COUNTING

Steve Cole reports: Today is the 32nd anniversary of the day I married Leanna (the first time, we were of course still married two years ago when we got married for the second time). I'm told this is something of an accomplishment these days, when divorce is so easy and the stress of modern living causes good marriages to come unglued. Considering that we had known each other only 31 days when we got engaged (and would have gotten married that day but for my mother pitching a fit), a successful marriage is something of a miracle. It was, arguably, less than 31 days between our first date (a singles mixer we went to together, more or less not even as a couple but just to see who else was on the market) was kind of a dud (we didn't meet anybody and decided to go to the movies instead, then got a snack at Denny's and I didn't even try to kiss her good night) and there almost wasn't a second date. (I misunderstood something she said and thought she had gone out of town for a few days and called her when I thought she got back. In fact, she had not gone out of town and was kind of annoyed I had not kept my promise to call her.) The misunderstanding was sorted out, and we had our first real laugh together. But perhaps one might say we really dated only 26 days before getting engaged.

The marriage was a success, I think, because we both treated marriage as a serious institution that deserved some respect, some planning, and some thought. Sure, we'd have gotten married on the day I proposed (except that the court house was closed and it would have taken a week to get the paperwork done), but we didn't. Instead, we spent the next month talking, talking, talking, not that we had not done a ton of talking in the previous 26 days. It was very much like a job interview, the most important one of our lives, and we had to force ourselves to be totally and brutally honest, not to guess what the other wanted to hear. We both approached it on the basis of "my emotional side is already in love and ready to get married, but let's take a deep breath and seriously discuss every single aspect of how we expect to live and what we expect to get, and let's try very, very hard to find some reason NOT to get married before we allow ourselves to fall into the abyss." Our logical sides were hanging on to sanity with our fingernails, desperately hoping not to find any problems but fully prepared to break it off and walk away if the marriage wasn't going to work. In the end, we found nothing we could not deal with. It wasn't perfect (I just cannot dance worth a darn and Leanna misses dancing) but it was, logically, as good as it was going to get.

We were 25, and we were ready to get married, buy a house, and plant some trees. It was time to get married, and that made it all the more important not to just let it happen and then find out later it was wrong from the start. We explored every subject (politics, religion, family, careers, hobbies, etc.) in detail. More importantly, I think, we "waited" until the wedding for the final act of emotional bonding, knowing that if we started doing that, we were going to stop the "due diligence" like so many people do. We respected the institution too much.

We enjoyed and still enjoy many of the same things. Many things that didn't even exist to be enjoyed when we fell in love have appeared and have become a part of our lives because we both enjoy them. We both love science fiction, astronomy, dinosaurs, and ancient history, and are fascinated with "how things came to be" such as how the Bible was written.

And so, here we are, 32 years later. We got up this morning and had breakfast out, then went to a place and she picked out some rose bushes (instead of a flower arrangement) to mark the day. (We'll plant them next week.) As I write these words, the very hour (1pm) of the actual ceremony has arrived. Nobody was running a stop watch, but I guess that after all of the incantations and recitations, the actual "knot tying" was a few minutes later. After the reception and opening of presents, we hit the road about 3pm and headed west for the Grand Canyon. We still have the flower pots that Leanna bought "tomorrow" morning. I can remember the moment I knew it was right. On the third day, we were driving and saw a sign for "Meteor Crater" and both said "I always wanted to see that!" and so we did.