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Friday, June 27, 2014

Staff Meeting in a Game Company Far Far Away

Marketing Director: Ok, what have you guys got coming down the pipeline that I can sell?
Game Designer #1: I have a new scenario for our strategic game Cosmos Galaxy. I call it Cosmic Climate Crisis. Due to excessive asteroid mining, a wave of ion storms erupts across the galaxy.
Marketing Director: Pass.
Game Designer #1: Okay, since that's approved, can I order cover art?
Marketing Director: I did not say "approved." I said "pass."
Game Designer #1: Pass, approved, green light, all the same. The back cover will read "Oceans rise, comets fall, and billions die." It will sell like crazy.
Marketing Director: Crazy would be the operative term, but "pass" and "approved" are still not the same. I said I was going to pass on that idea.
Game Designer #1: Pass it on to whom?
Marketing Director: To no one. It's not going to get printed. Half of our customers would get upset and stop buying our products.
Finance Director: Which half?
Marketing Director: Does it matter?
Finance Director: I guess not.
Marketing Director: What else do you guys have?
Game Designer #2: I have More Starships for Cosmos Battles Volume XXXVI.
Marketing Director: Sounds promising. What new class of starships is it built around?
Game Designer #2: The new Aggression Cruisers, which have full firepower plus an entire Marine brigade. They can conquer anything. In fact, they're named for great conquerors like Stalin, Hitler, Mao Tse Tung, Genghis Khan, and Attila the Hun.
Marketing Director: Do you really think those ship names are good for this product?
Game Designer #2: Certainly. They're historical figures who conquered vast areas and slaughtered millions of people. What could be better? The back cover will read "Kill billions of your enemies with one ship!"
Marketing Director: Again, you don't see the problem?
Game Designer #2: Do you mean that we left out Alexander the Great? We already named a Mangler-class cruiser after him three years ago. I checked the list carefully and the rest of the names have never been used before.
Marketing Director: Do you think there might be a reason why they have never been used?
Finance Director: I can think of one if you can't.
Game Designer #2: We were saving them for something good?
Marketing Director: Let's continue to save them. Find another series of names for these new ships. Who else has a new product?
Game Designer #3: I have the next book for our science fiction RPG series using the D13 game system.
Marketing Director: Now we're talking sales dollars! What's the title for the new book?
Game Designer #3: Love, Family, and Marriage in the Cosmos Universe.
Marketing Director: Interesting. How many pages is it?
Game Designer #3: The standard 144 pages, which includes 26 pages on polygamy, 28 pages on forced slave marriages, 14 pages of Satanic rituals for planet Purgatory, and 64 pages on same-sex and multi-sex marriages.
Marketing Director: Good God.
Game Designer #3: That's exactly how the same-sex marriage ceremony begins on planet Arglebargle IV.
Marketing Director: I think we need to hold that one until they resolve that court case in Oregon.
Game Designer #3: I haven't heard about a court case in Oregon.
Game Designer #1: Neither have I.
Game Designer #2: Me neither.
Finance Director: I have, and we do need to wait on anything dealing with marriage issues until it is resolved, even if that takes years. We will let you know when it's done.
Marketing Director: What else do you have?
Game Designer #1: Well, I was saving this for next year, but I have a swell module for Cosmos Galaxy. It's about a new empire that invades the galaxy and sweeps across the map.
Marketing Director: I can sell that. What's it called?
Game Designer #1: Cosmic Jihad. There is this religious movement that inspires young warriors ...
Marketing Director: Pass!
Game Designer #1: Now, by that do you mean ...?
Marketing Director: You know exactly what I mean! Now, who has a product that won't get us sued, banned, or bombed?
Game Designer #2: I have a module that is based on the idea that the head of the guy who founded that big computer company was frozen and then thawed out and he's now the disembodied computer mastermind behind a race of robot ships.
Marketing Director: This would be that computer company that has no sense of humor and sues somebody every week?
Finance Director: That's the one.
Marketing Director: Next!
Game Designer #3: Ok, I have one left in the file. This is about the Frakly race in the Cosmos Universe. They're so hideously ugly that even the Union Combine persecutes them, and allows the Kalaron Dictatorship to come into Union space to kill them. Hunting them for sport is a great ... well ... sport in the Union Combine, the Republic Empire, and the Kalaron Dictatorship.
Finance Director: Sounds like racism to me.
Marketing Director: Me too. Pass, and you know what "pass" means. Now get back to your offices and come up with something that builds the customer base rather than destroying it.
Game Designer #2: I have a special series of ships for Cosmos Battles that use limited rules so even women can play them. Ouch! Why did you hit me?
Marketing Director: Go away. Please. Just go away.